Rehearsing my lines

My wife asked one day last week what I’d say if I actually met Resident Evil. Fortunately I am always prepared for this extremely unlikely eventuality–during the Dubya years, it was going to be just, “Mr. President. I hope you and the First Lady are well,” while refusing to shake his hand, but now it would have to be something special. Not shaking his hand, of course, is a given, unless I could spit in my hand first, but for the words I can’t do better than “Mr. President, please resign,” and hope he asked why: “Because you’re weak, corrupt, a Russian puppet, a disgusting human being, and you lie with every breath.” He wouldn’t ask, of course. I’d have to settle for spitting.

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